Apply yourself, Stupid.

What feels like a lifetime ago, but was, in reality, only a couple short months ago, at a restaurant (remember those?), the Manfriend told me I don’t apply myself. (Was that a run-on sentence? Er, question?) Anyway, it struck a nerve. And I totally let it ruin what would turn out to be one of our last visits to a restaurant. (Dang, I miss restaurants. And leaving the house.)

But this totally isn’t about restaurants (although, I miss them so much, it might turn out that way). No, this is about the truth of what he said. I don’t apply myself. I’m not sure a day has gone by (at least during the last 58 days I’ve been “temporarily” unemployed) (quotes because it’s only a matter of time that “temporary” becomes permanent) that I haven’t thought about that statement.

AND ABOUT HOW TRUE IT ACTUALLY IS.

I don’t apply myself. Oh, let me count the ways.

1. I hate my job. But I haven’t applied myself to finding a new one. (But, I mean, come on. Why bother now, amiright?)

2. I want to create digital embellishments for scrapbooking. But I haven’t applied myself to even figuring out how that’s done.

3. I want to start working out at home. Because walking is getting motherfucking BORING. But I haven’t applied myself to that, either. Never even done it once. IN 58 DAYS!

4. I want to learn how to bake bread. (And, no, not just cuz everyone is doing it!) My mom started baking her own sourdough years ago and I’ve been intrigued by the process. But applied myself I have not. (Like Yoda.)

5. I want to volunteer at church. Because serving others and, also, I HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME ON MY HANDS. But nope.

6. I want to learn Spanish. Now I could argue that with this I actually have applied myself (I’m on a 19-day Duolingo streak, thank you very much), but in reality? I’ve been wanting to learn Spanish since I started working in a 99% Spanish-speaking department. 8 YEARS AGO. Apply myself to that? Of course not. Of course I would apply myself to that only when it becomes unnecessary.

7. I want to lose weight. But, like, for good this time (LOL). Apply myself? No, instead I bought cookies while at Trader Joe’s. (Applying myself to cookies has never been an issue.)

I want to start a gratitude journal. I want to take more pictures. I want to learn a new skill. I want, I want, I want. But do I actually do any of it? Say it with me: No.

I apply myself to Instagram. I apply myself to Yahtzee and Scrabble. I apply myself to reading (but even then, not so much… I mean, I read one book this entire year until, under stay-at-home orders, I finally started reading Harry Potter). I apply myself to scrapbooking… sometimes. (You’d think with all this time on my hands I’d be all caught up, but no. So, even that’s kind of a fail.) I apply myself to watching Gilmore girls.

So, basically I apply myself to laziness which is really not applying myself at all and nothing whatsoever to be proud of. And, in hindsight, the Manfriend’s words struck a nerve because they were so, so true and, honestly, how dare he attack me like that.

Now, truth be told, I have no idea how to end this because I have absolutely no idea what’s to be done about any of it except to finally start applying myself. (Obvi.) But what does that look like? I’m going to have to think about this for a minute. Stay tuned. (I really freaking hope there’s something to stay tuned for.)

Oh, and also? Scrapbooking, Yahtzee, Scrabble, and Gilmore girls? When did I become such an old woman?