Not letting go and totally under it.

I thought I was fine. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was happy. And I thought you were the “loser” (’cause every divorce has one, right?) and AS IT SHOULD BE. Then I saw the pictures and there’s not a single word that can perfectly describe how I felt. It’s a nauseating mix of betrayal, anger, and just plain sad. Because I loved you. I loved you so much. You were my whole life. (And if I were through with being so emotional about it, I’d acknowledge that therein lies the problem.)

I want you to be happy. I do. I want everyone in the world to be happy. But then the thought creeps in… why does he deserve to be happy? After all the bullshit you put me through, you now get to fall in love and be happy with another girl while I’m still left here feeling all angst-y and insecure and sad and pathetic. And, honor of all honors, I’m left to wear the “loser” title.

I was the loser in our marriage. You realize that, right? You made me the loser year after year that I stayed with you after all the lies and bullshit you put me through. I was the undefeated champ of losers. Thanks for that.

You hurt me in so many ways. You lied and deceived me and made me to be a fool. You had relationships with other girls and while you may not have ever stuck your penis in one of them, IT STILL COUNTS AS AN AFFAIR. You told me how unhappy you were and left me… only to ask me back and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. And I continued to hold the title. I gave you my heart… how could you hold it in such careless regard?

I am forever changed because of you. I will never be the girl I once was. I will never be so carefree again. I will always struggle with trusting men. You really stepped up and reinforced all those daddy issues. Thanks for that, too.

I boxed up what I could of our relationship and put it in storage when we split. Several months later, everything that I stored was stolen. It was a heartbreaking moment to realize that everything I owned from our life together was gone. But sometimes I wish our entire relationship had been in that storage unit, too… and then maybe I could just forget it ever existed.