Just when I think I’m doing all right, I’m happy, everything’s good… I do something to remind myself of just how fucked up I actually am. That doesn’t mean the former isn’t true. I am doing all right, I am happy, everything is good. But sometimes I just wish I wasn’t so effing nuts. Or that I’d finally seek counseling. Like I know I should have done a long ass time ago. (Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know.)
So, I started a new blog. (I may have mentioned it once or twice.) My friend Z and I started it. It’s a book blog and it’s great! No, seriously, it is! I love it! I’ve found myself thinking, why didn’t I start blogging about books sooner?!
So, what’s the problem, you ask? (‘Cause, of course, there has to be a problem.)
Well, peeps, my inner control freak is having a major anxiety attack and I don’t know how to beat it into submission.
And it isn’t her. Z is great. Better than! No, It’s all me. Bringing this on myself. (Like I do.) But the loss of control… not being able to make decisions on my own, not being able to change things on a whim, having to ask someone else before I do anything… it’s making my hair itch.
I was telling my sister about this last night and she just looked at me and said, “And this is a surprise to you?” It shouldn’t be! I know (knew) I’m a control freak! But but but I just thought… I love Z (she’s my favorite person!) and I love books and I love to blog… this should be easy!
It’s not. At least, not for me. And I’m afraid that I’m going to let the anxiety and control-freak-ish-ness overwhelm me and I’ll give into doing something that I’ll regret.
Tell me what to do! Tell me how to be normal! How do I shut the control freak up?! Help!