Playing tricks on myself.

I think I might be losing the battle. I swear, I’m trying to stay strong, resolute… but I feel myself slipping. I want to reach out to my husband. I fucking miss him. It’s harder and harder to stay away, to not talk to him, to not see him.

I wish I could have held onto the mad from a few months ago. That would certainly make things easier. Or, at least keep clear all the reasons I thought this divorce was the right idea in the first place, but noooo. All I think about are the good times, the things that made me laugh, made me happy. And most frustrating of all is the thought that our marriage was, for the most part, a good one. I know you’re calling me eighteen kinds of fool right now, but it’s true.

I’m too involved, too blinded by all the messy emotions, and I wonder what it looks like to the outside world. Did our marriage always seem destined to fail? Did I only talk about the bad? Would it surprise anyone to hear that things were pretty wonderful 97% of the time? Or, is that the doubt playing tricks on me, making me see things as better than they actually were?

I hate this.

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9 Responses to Playing tricks on myself.

  1. Debbie W says:

    97% wonderful sounds pretty good…an excellent percentage actually….but maybe it depends on how bad that 3% was. Only you know…only you can decide.

  2. rory says:

    ya know.ya know. (rubbing fists in eyes, trying to puzzle it all out)YA KNOW.RIGHT???

  3. Stephanie says:

    Rory: Um. Was that supposed to be helpful???

  4. rory says:

    Ya mean it wasn't?Let me sweep aside the the theatrical obliqueness and try again.You know in your heart of hearts where stuff's headed.Right?Hugs and more hugs.

  5. Stephanie says:

    Rory: Well, shit. Today I do. Yesterday I wasn't sure. Tomorrow… who knows?

  6. rory says:

    I know.And I'm sorry. I'm cranky and overly opinionated.Hang in there.It gets better. Honest.

  7. MichelleSG says:

    Are you BOTH happier together than apart? That's how I figure out when a relationship has to end. If either one of the couple is happier without the other then that's it. Over.

  8. rory says:

    Hmm. I think I'd miss Stephanie.

  9. Stephanie says:

    LOL You are going to make MY head explode soon.

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