Can I hate my life for just one more night?

Peeps, I’m fully planning on taking my mother’s advice (which is to try to change my way of thinking) (you know, convince my brain that I’m not miserable?), but I’ll start on that tomorrow. Tonight? I hate.

I hate that I live with my parents.

I hate that I can’t NOT TALK without them thinking I’m “upset.”

I hate that I can’t come and go without being required to announce myself. (See above.)

I hate that I’m never alone.

I hate that I’m happiest AT WORK.

I hate that I’m getting fatter Every. Damn. Day.

I hate that the holidays are coming up.

I hate that I don’t feel strong enough to face them.

I hate feeling weak.

I hate that every time I talk to or see The Husband I feel the need to ask if he’s changed his mind. Again.

I hate that we rarely see each other.

I hate that we see each other at all.

I hate that I can’t make a decision.

I hate feeling so overwhelmed.

I hate feeling depressed.

I hate worrying what everyone else will think.

I hate the apartment I looked at yesterday.

I hate that I live in southern California. I’ll take shit weather and affordable housing any day of the week, thankyouverymuch.

I hate working out.

I hate happy people.

I hate romance novels.

I hate that hating them won’t stop me from reading them.

I hate feeling so mad and frustrated and useless.

And sad.

I hate that whole “forest for the trees” quote.

Also, any words that don’t provide some sort of immediate solution.

I hate that there’s ice cream in the freezer. Pumpkin, at that.

I hate that I have to be up at five a.m.

And, most of the time, I hate myself.

There. I think I’m done.

{It’s a pity party. Just for today, what do you hate?}

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27 Responses to Can I hate my life for just one more night?

  1. Gayle says:

    That my 14 year old daughter is filled with anxiety and is having a very hard time with it, that our newest health insurance company, which costs $1,400 per month dropped us retroactively to it's start date – I'm sure the doctors we've been to this month will love us for that, that the only other health insurance with our doctors on it costs $2,000 per month, that we're eating into our savings to pay everyday bills, that my oldest son starts college next September and I don't know if will there be any savings left by then, that my couch has holes in it because it's 20 years old, that Christmas is coming and where am I going to get the money for gifts for people. That's it for now. I don't know if I feel worse or better for having typed all that!

  2. Lan says:

    i hate bikram yoga but for some strange reason, i'm still going.i hate having to exercise at all.i hate the fact that i'm taking a much needed break from dating, i'm thinking ahead to my bday month, the holidays and valentine's day and how if i don't start to date someone now, i won't have someone then.sigh.

  3. Violet says:

    You need a hug. But you'd probably hate that right now, too, so I'll keep it to myself. ;)I hate cold weather because it means cold fingers, toes, and noses, which is completely hateful.But that hate pales in comparison to my hate for the whole situation with Himself. He loves me, I love him, but we can't move forward in our relationship because of choices and decisions that he has made. I hate that his life is in complete chaos and that he is depressed and overwhelmed to the point of not seeing any possible way through. I hate that I usually choose to not say anything when I am irritated/frustrated/pissed/hurt/lonely/scared because I don't want to put additional pressure on him. And I hate that I have been too chicken to tell the whole truth about the situation on my blog.

  4. Alias Mother says:

    I hate that I'm essentially working two jobs, badly.I hate that I feel like a sloth and yet am helpless to motivate.I hate that I spend so much time on the internet.I hate that people on the internet find me more interesting than people in real life.I hate that my desk is a mess. Also, my house. Also, my life.I hate that I will likely have a moment to myself again in ten years. Maybe. If I'm lucky.I hate that I hate that. Only bad mothers hate that.I hate that I have to count every penny and will need to count every penny for at least the next few years. Although Gayle's post above reminds me that I will likely still be struggling 20 years from now.God, I feel like a mess.

  5. Alias Mother says:

    P.S. I love (LOVE) the new layout.

  6. I hate to write anything here that's not an immediate solution – except maybe eat the pumpkin ice cream, “but just eat a little bit.” Right. I hate people who say that. Even more, I hate people who can DO that.P.S. I hate that I can't stop eating, and that I'm in my mid forties and only a seven months away from late forties. I really hate that.

  7. Theresa G says:

    I hate brokers. I hate that my job loss and retail therapy have us living check to check.I hate that my husband says it's not my fault when I know it is. I hate it when Ranger is crying and I cant figure out why. I hate periods. and eyebrows that need trimming that I never keep up w anyhow. and hair that needs shaving. I triple hate ALS for what it has done and will do to my mom.

  8. Debbie W says:

    Bugs…snakes…slow ass semi trucks in the fast lane on the interstate…brussel sprouts…dishonesty….that I can't seem to get back into running now that my foot is better….that the state budget sucks and I haven't had a raise in five years….that the LOSING basketball coach got a $60,000 raise this year even though the state budget sucks….that I'm getting older and have a harder time doing some of things I use to do. This concludes my pity party ~ thanks for the invite. 🙂

  9. rory says:

    I hate I didn't bring enough cold beer to cheer all ya'll up.Life can't ever be that bad, 'cause hey, it's the only one we got.

  10. Theresa G says:

    to quote Monty python's life of Brian: always look on the bright side of life….try googling that song….I don't want to get it caught in my head

  11. rory says:

    google it immediately.It is flippin' hilarious and it's what I'm talkin' about and hey, let it get caught in your head- there's worse things.

  12. Stephanie says:

    Bugs. I hate bugs. I'm adding that to my list.

  13. Stephanie says:

    Oh, Gayle, my heart goes out to you. We might only know each other through our blogs, but I've always thought you had an amazing amount of strength. I admire you for finding the good in everyday things. It really comes through in your writing and your photos. It certainly isn't much, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  14. Stephanie says:

    Yeah, the whole “alone for the holidays” thing is starting to creep up on me and scare me to death. I don't know how to do the holidays by myself. Or, more accurately, without HIM. I hate that, too.

  15. Stephanie says:

    Cold fingers. Hate. I'm adding that to my list as well.I'm certainly not one to give advice about, well, anything, but I will say this. Don't be afraid. If you want to write about it, write. If you don't, don't. (Easier said than done? Maybe.) I have found that I've received more unexpected support and encouragement on the scary/embarrassing/difficult posts than any others. Maybe it won't help, maybe it will. Maybe it'll ease some of the load you're carrying and maybe just that will be enough. I wish you the best. And, hopefully I'm not overstepping any boundaries here, if Himself is making or has made any decisions that have taken him either emotionally or physically away from you, he's totally not worthy. (Men are dumb.)

  16. Stephanie says:

    After reading this, I literally sat back, closed my eyes, and thought “no, no, no, no, no.” Just like that. I think you're so talented, so amazing, so strong. It makes my heart hurt to hear (read) what you said above. You are not a bad mother and you are not a mess. NOWHERE NEAR. And I fully believe that I'd find you just as wonderful in real life as I do on the internet. (God, I wish so badly that I could harness my thoughts and actually turn them into something profound and encouraging.) (I'm adding my brain and its lack of focus and direction to the list of things I hate.)

  17. Stephanie says:

    Who eats just a little bit of ice cream??? I definitely hate them. Whoever they are. Assholes. The eating thing has become a serious problem for me. I hate that. I hate even admitting to that. I mean, it's food! What's the big deal? WHY CAN'T I STOP?! My heart (as out-of-shape as it may currently be) goes out to you. Food… what a fucking evil beast. (Or is that my willpower?)

  18. Stephanie says:

    I think we all hate that right about now. The beer thing, I mean. Also? Your positivity. You better have at least one gripe in your next comment.

  19. Stephanie says:

    Shaving, waxing, periods… hate, hate, hate. I don't have much (any) experience with babies and the only words that come to mind are “give it time.” Eventually, he'll be able to tell you what it is that's bugging him. And, the ALS? God, what can I say? My heart, my thoughts, my prayers go out to your mother and you and your family.

  20. rory says:

    Ok, how 'bout this-I hate that I don't have some crippling disease or disfigurement so that I'd REALLY have something to bitch about.Better?

  21. Alias Mother says:

    Oh, Theresa. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and yours. ALS took my gorgeous, funny, smart ass role model aunt this spring. I just… my heart. It's yours to borrow for a bit.

  22. Alias Mother says:

    Now, now. She said it was a pity party, and so it is. You don't find it healthy to wallow every now and then? Well, I do. And then I get back up, dust my hands together briskly, and say, “Now then, on with the show!”It's quite refreshing. You should try it.

  23. Alias Mother says:

    This makes me think of the security guard in a building where I used to work. Every morning I'd walk in and say, “How are you?” And he'd perkily and earnestly reply, “Every morning that I wake up is a great day.”Some mornings I wanted to kiss him for that. And some mornings I wanted to punch him.I'm just sayin': leave some room for the occasional pessimists, eh?(Okay, I think I'm done commenting now.)

  24. MichelleSG says:

    Hey now, don't be knockin the snakes and bugs! They are much easier to take care of then the damn dogs.I could probably start a very long hate list but it would probably come over as way too strange. Instead I'm going to tell you to put in for a transfer at your place of work to somewhere not in the top 10 most expensive places to live. Then pick a few reasonably priced places to live in the US and start applying to other hotels there. If you want to stick with what you're doing. If not then start applying to places you do want to work. For example (no subtle hints here or anything) I know of at least 4 cupcake and cake specialty shops here in San Antonio. There's also no lack of hotels between the tourism and colleges. It's insanely inexpensive here, no state taxes, gas is always at least $0.50 cheaper per gallon than So Cal. I know people who own single family homes (not trailers) in nice neighborhoods that pay $700 a month for their mortgages. Find that in your city!Move, it'll make many of your hates go away. No guarantees on whether or not it'll make a new list though.

  25. Marina says:

    I hate my husband's ex.If its too personal don't respond, but what did happen with you The Husband?

  26. Stephanie says:

    Ah, tough question. I don't really know what's happening. We're still separated (it's been nearly 8 months now). He says he wants to make things work, wants me to come home… but I'm still unsure, worried, scared, etc. I know I'll have to make a decision soon, but it seems that every time I've made up my mind, I immediately start to doubt myself.

  27. Alexandria says:

    I Hate Highschool.I hate my family spreading rumorsI hate Drama and i stay away from it but i always seem to get stuck inbetween 2 best friends who created itI hate how im only 16 and have so much shit going on in my life, i thought this would all come when i was olderI hate how my room is a messI hate how im never home and get bitched at when im not, but when i am home everyones gone….? wtf. really?I hate how everyone got a car from at least one parent in this family (mom -> sister dad -> brother ) and im the youngest one here having to pay for my own.I hate how everyone tells me that 'its for the best' when really all i want is to be spoiled ONCE in my lifeI hate how everyone at school finds it soooo easy to have a boyfriend when im the only one here who hangs out wth the most boys and doesnt even get a single 'i like you' I hate how Ive always had more guy friends than girls and im more into cars and motorcycles and not high heels and designer clothes..I hate how i want to get out of this house and when i do ill realise what i miss.I hate how i never had a Father figure in my life and the closest thing is my friends that are older. haha lame.Well ill come back and addd things but i have to go now. ttyl.

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