Shot down. Updated.

Today was one of those days. You know the kind. The kind that sucks? Actually, now that I think about it, last night wasn’t great either. Gee, I hope I’m not starting a trend.

Anyway. Without sharing too many of the miserable details, I’ll tell you that it left me feeling very sad and overwhelmed and frustrated. And exhausted. (Exhausted. Something I’ve become all too familiar with in the last few months. Seriously. I have no idea what my future holds, but I’m not sure I have the energy for it.)

As I was getting dressed for the day and feeling all sorry for myself and thinking of all the drastic ways in which I could immediately improve my situation, I did what I’ve been doing for the last ten years. Ran to The Husband. (Hold your rants, people. That’s what the comments are for.) (And, rory? I swear to God, if I have to clean your brain matter off the wall AGAIN, I’m going to be PISSED.)

I don’t mean literally. I gave up the fight. I decided to hell with it. If asking The Husband to see Phantom with me will make feel good for a few hours, then that’s what I was going to do. After an awesome night and an even better morning (she said with sarcasm), I wanted to go with someone who knew me. Who, despite what you might think, still cares for me. Someone with whom I could feel normal.

That might not make sense to you (after all that’s happened), but there it is. Being around him takes me back to happy and comfortable and peaceful. And, for one night, I wanted that again. SO SUE ME. Or yell at me. Or tell me how big a mistake it is. Do what you must. But, unless I’m mistaken, you also continue to tell me to do what’s best for me and asking him to go was just that.

So, I texted him. “You have plans this Friday?” I asked.

OF COURSE HE DOES! And he didn’t commit to just one event. Oh no. The social butterfly has TWO prior engagements. Important ones. Including his Godson’s birthday. Naturally.

Not sure if this will soften you at all where The Husband is concerned, but without even knowing what my plans entail, he asked, “Do I need to get out of anything?”

I wanted to scream YES! and beg that he drop everything so that I could have a familiar face in the seat next to me. But I couldn’t live with myself if I did so. I can’t insist he cancel his plans to spend the evening with me just ’cause I’m emotional and needy. (Can I?)

The fact (at least, as it stands today) is that The Husband wants to get back together. And I’m not sure what I want. I’m not going to ask him to cancel plans with his very good friends when I’m not sure what part I’ll be playing in his future. (If at all.) I’m not comfortable doing anything that might give an impression I’m not ready to give.

So, The Husband is out.

And that means one thing. I’m going to get stuck taking family. I hope you people are happy.

{Update: I have a question for you. Some people have rather, um… strong opinions about what I should and shouldn’t be doing as far as my husband is concerned and THAT’S OKAY. However, the fact remains that I’m going to do whatever I want. (It’s my party and all that.) And I’m probably going to fuck up along the way and you know what? THAT’S OKAY, TOO. With that being said, I need to know… would you rather I just stop talking about it? I mean, I know it’s MY BLOG blah blah blah and I can write what I want, but I’d hate to be responsible for everyone’s head exploding. Thoughts? }

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30 Responses to Shot down. Updated.

  1. Patty says:

    I'm in a very similar circumstance (eerily so) and know only this: only you know what's best for you, despite all the best intended advice. Enjoy happy wherever you find it, and have a fabulous time at the theatre.

  2. Alias Mother says:

    Rory, where are you? Rory, say what I really want to say here.Rory?Rory?

  3. Stephanie says:

    Rory's not comin' back. His head exploded for the last time. Pity.

  4. Stephanie says:

    I didn't tell him. Maybe I should have. He's an adult, he can make his own decision, blah blah blah… but it just didn't feel right to put him in a position to choose.

  5. Lan says:

    you said, it's your space, you can do whatever you want.i've been reading all along, i just haven't been commenting because i don't have anything of value to say. i'm neither against or for what you're doing. it's your decision.plus, it doesn't seem like you're so much looking for advice, as opposed to just looking vent, right?

  6. Brian says:

    Speaking from the perspective of someone who has only read the blog and does not have inside information (i.e. family/friends) you have to do what makes YOU happy, whatever that is. And you can't worry about what other people think, because you alone, are entirely responsible for your own life. You and you alone have to live with the decisions you make. Additionally, what makes you happy can also make you equally miserable and if you put yourself in that position over and over again, it will continue to be stressful. I would imagine that if he wants to get back with you then he would be willing to cancel less important plans to spend time with you. But if you are uncertain that reuniting is a long term goal of yours, then perhaps it would be better to not have him cancel his plans and you can cross that bridge when you're ready. As for the second question…absolutely keep blogging about whatever you want. It's the perfect way to release whatever is pent up on your mind and occasionally get some good feedback to go with it. Blog away!

  7. Alias Mother says:

    It's me, isn't it? I'm sorry, I should have stayed away.Look, Lan is right. You just want to vent and I'm sure you hate all our advice. I know this, because whenever I want to vent on my blog I always come back to read comments and I'm all, “Why are all these freak shows giving advice?” But it's hard, it's so hard, to not weigh in. I promise to not weigh in anymore.As to whether you should write or not, which I'm only addressing because you asked, I would answer with a question: is it helpful to you? Do the comments help you clarify your thoughts, discover new angles, or bolster your resolve? Or do they add to your confusion and the jumble in your head?If it's the former, keep writing about it. If it's the latter, just work it out on your own, write it out in a private post if you must, and then let us know when things have settled.How's that?

  8. Joan says:

    no, you don't really need anyone's advice. it's your decision for sure, but i would ask why are you turning yourself inside out? saying yes, let's give this relationship another try should be easy and natural. i enjoy your tweets & blog mostly for your candy obsession…which i also share! i'm totally craving twizzlers right now. you?

  9. amy s says:

    i say F the people who don't want to read about it…it is your blog and if we all sensored our blogs for others….then we wouldnt be true to ourself. so vent, bitch, go back to him, dont go back to him….its your choice. people can choose to stop reading. you cant stop living and loving your husband.

  10. Debbie W says:

    I don't know what your reply was to his question….guess you could have casually told him why you were asking and let him decide if he wanted to cancel his other plans?

  11. rory says:

    Hey. HEY!I'm still here.OK, Stephanie, I feel your pain, I feel bad for you- come sit on the couch with me and cry into my chest while I hold you.Hmmmm. Oh goody, snot on my new shirt.So anyway, you gotta realize shit ain't happenin', right? Finally? And so maybe between sniffles, you're thinkin' all guys are just self-absorbed turds? And, hey, maybe you might be right. But don't you ever give up heart.'Cause when you hook up with the right one, baby, and you will, The Husband will fade into drizzled memories best left forgotten.But you GOTTA open yourself up to new happiness and stop chasing this dead dream, OK?Or my head's gonna explode.Again.

  12. Gayle says:

    I don't know what you should do about The Husband, but I do know that you should blog whatever you want to blog!

  13. Rachel says:

    Word to your rory. Girl, you got shit to do; go n do it. If he ain't on the train when it pulls out, then his choice has been made for him.Word to your alias mother, too. If our feedback is helpful, solicit. If it only adds to confusion/frustration/general unhappiness, then by all means don't keep asking for pain. I am (and I suspect we all are) here with best intentions, to help as well as possible when possible.

  14. Theresa G says:

    I second Alias Mother's response to your question about what to write.

  15. Theresa G says:

    I went to see Les Mis on my own. *me breaking into song…On My Own lada lada ladada*You know what might be *fun*?Find someone – a stranger you see in the Starbucks all the time or something like that, and arrange to meet him at the theater and give him the ticket. The only way to meet new people is to put yourself in places where to opportunity will arise.

  16. Rachel says:

    I read your post about Luke. He was absolutely beautiful. I'm so sorry you lost him. I had a cat named Tinker that had a similar fate and reading about Luke conjured up so many memories of my Tink……Thanks for stopping by my blog! =)

  17. KKane says:

    Just an idea – if the comments bother/confuse/annoy you, you can always block comments and just post what you want. Don't think you should have to censor your own blog but you can certainly censor the feedback if you want.

  18. Violet says:

    Write what you want to write. If you have a skin thick enough to read all of the comments, and it sounds like you do, then cool. If not, close comments on those posts. I agree with Alias Mother that you should write if it helps you (and I think you wouldn't continue to write and to solicit comments if it didn't).Asking The Husband to go with you makes perfect sense to me. I get it. And I'm coming to the conclusion that there are few real mistakes in life – what some consider “mistakes” I am beginning to think are simply choices that lead us in a direction the other person doesn't see or understand. I am continually impressed by your honesty. I haven't posted the whole truth about the situation with Himself for fear of judgment and disapproval from virtual strangers who don't know me, Himself, or the nuances of the circumstances. Big props to you for being so brave!

  19. Jen says:

    (Hangs head in shame). No, I know it's me, because I got deleted. You write exactly what you want to write. And I, for one, will sit on my fingers the next time I want to give unsolicited advice. I am so very sorry, and should have know better.

  20. Stephanie says:

    Wait. What? You got deleted? What are you talking about??? I'm so confused!

  21. Stephanie says:

    Haha, so true.

  22. Gwynne says:

    Write about whatever you want to. This is *your place* to express *your* thoughts. Just think of it like baking. Write and bake for you. Who cares if everyone else is the world thinks there is such a thing as too much pink frosting? I say pink frosting makes everything better. Who cares if someone thinks you write too much about one thing? This is your blog.

  23. Stephanie says:

    I hope you still like me after I make this confession: I ENORMOUSLY dislike Twizzlers. I'm sorry! I am a total Red Vines girl myself. But just think of it this way: more for you :)To be honest… something inside of me broke when he told me for the third time that he still didn't know if he wanted to be with me. So, as much as I love him, I'm still trying to figure out if I have the energy/desire/patience to try again. It probably should be much easier. It isn't. Ugh.

  24. Stephanie says:

    All guys ARE self-absorbed turds!

  25. Stephanie says:

    I think I was having an “over-sensitive” kinda day. These comments do not actually bother or confuse or annoy me. Not at all! But… how do I explain it? …It seems like people are rather astonished and sometimes… upset? …(at least that's how it appears) about my decisions. So I think maybe people just want me to shut up and write about cake balls and Edward.

  26. Stephanie says:

    Ah, pink frosting DOES make everything better. I miss baking.

  27. Stephanie says:

    I have to say that when I read “word to your rory” I about choked with laughter. And I absolutely 100% agree- everyone is here with the best of intentions. I KNOW this. But sometimes I worry that people are getting, you know, FED UP TO HERE about it and are gonna start dropping off like flies. (I really hope not.)

  28. Debbie W says:

    I say write what you want. Rory's head will be busy exploding over new house issues and all others should relax a bit…like you said, your party and all that. 🙂

  29. rory says:

    What're kiddin'?? ALL guys??Oh, shoot, hold on, wait just a sec- I've got a call coming in.

  30. WebSavvyMom says:

    –>Do what feels right in the end. This will keep Rory's head from exploding (again). But chances are that when you find out what makes YOU happy that is NOT The Husband, it will make you not only more attractive to him but other men as well. ~deb

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