Take Twelve

The anger was sadly short-lived.

Had I been able to hold onto it, I probably could have breezed through the next few months.

(Yeah, probably not.)

But that would have been awesome.

Unfortunately, the grief has returned.

And, with it, a sense that I’m hanging onto my sanity, myself, by a rapidly unraveling thread.

I (still) have a very strong feeling that this is a mistake.

But, also, a sense of resolve.

I can’t help him figure out what he wants.

(Insert me washing my hands of him here.)

I need to get on with my life.

I deserve to get on with my life.

But I also want to run away. There. I said it.

At least until I can return without being reminded of him with every step I take.

But I know better.

The reminders will be there no matter what. No matter when.

I want to start dating.

But only so I’ll have someone else to think about.

I realize I’m not in the right frame of mind to start dating.

Nowhere near, in fact.

I dread the loneliness returning.

Those unbearably strong urges to reach out.

I still want to yell, to demand to know what the hell happened.

So, I guess the anger isn’t totally gone.

Just buried.

Temporarily? I wonder.

I hate that I still have so many unanswered questions.

What changed?

What went wrong?

Because something had to.

Things were going so well.

Did I do something?

Did he just change his mind?

Did someone say something? Do something?

Did someone better come along?

So many of our friends and family believed a reconciliation was in our future.

I believed it.

As I walked away from him last Monday night, I was in a state of shock.

Wasn’t expecting that at all.

But I’ve changed my mind.

I don’t regret the last three months. Not a bit.

I needed the last three months.

I wouldn’t have been able to move on had I not done everything I could.

And now I feel as though I have.

I tried. God, did I try.

You think that’d help me sleep at night.

No such luck.

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13 Responses to Take Twelve

  1. Rachel says:

    prescription: music, hugs, sleep. talk to us as much or little as you want.~hugs~

  2. mia says:

    One thing to advise you to look at – and it changed my heartbreak into wanting a new life for myself: Lovefraud.comWe are here to listen. Spill whatever you want without judgement. YOU are a beautiful soul… and still SO young with so much to offer and so much for the world to offer You! (And I totally understand, have a stepson your age where the wife decided she was bored.. they just filed divorce papers this week).I'm gonna say a special prayer for you right now. May you be blessed.

  3. mia says:

    And P.S…. they were high school sweethearts too… and now he's turning 30.

  4. Alias Mother says:

    No such luck…YET. It will. Knowing that will help. Just not yet.

  5. DVMsWife says:

    Hang in there Stephanie. I'm on your side. We all are. You will be okay. Don't forget that. You did nothing wrong. Something changed within him and you and that is that. As pathetic as that sounds. You will be fine. I know you will. BTW, I am reading Twilight right now. My virgin voyage into this whole Edward and Bella saga. In under 24 hours halfway through the book already. Addicted. Thanks to you. You are welcome! Hang in there! Keep smiling. “Good things come to those who wait!”

  6. MichelleSG says:

    Surviving, that's what you're doing right now. It's going to suck for a bit but you can look back and know, KNOW that you tried everything you could. Pretty soon you'll get past surviving and move up to living. Don't worry, this too in time shall pass. Promise.

  7. I know it's a struggle right now, but a time will come when you are able to look back on this and realize that it happened for a reason. You will actually be grateful that it did.Until then, you must be kind to yourself, and learn to love yourself more than another. Yes, you need to date.

  8. Alanna says:

    I know exactly EXACTLY how you feel. And I hate it when I'm in that space. But I think the most important thing to remember is to love yourself. Whether you take him back or not, whether you reach out to him or not, whether you get happy when he calls or whether you're able to hold on to that kind of lovely anger, just remember that nothing is wrong with you, don't be embarassed, and don't beat yourself up over your “weakness.” When it feels better, it will feel better. “And remember this: Though it may not be clear to you at the moment, no doubt the universe unfolds as it should.” (Desiderata)

  9. Gayle says:

    Things will get better. We're hear to listen.

  10. rory says:

    Whoa.Wait a minute.I'm startin' to see a trend here.And it's the trend you gotta cut like a bad habit.

  11. Stephanie says:

    I was going to say something sarcastic, but… you're right. That's all.

  12. Let your heart have its time to catch up to what your head is telling you.At least you can honestly say to yourself that you did everything you could. So hold your head up high and push forward!

  13. Violet says:

    Oh, honey… all I have is a virtual hug. And solidarity.

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