Even Bella is not this stupid.

I should have known better. Look at our history. I bet any one of you could have predicted this. And maybe, deep down, I could have, too. But no. I had to go and learn the hard way. Again.

Having this conversation shouldn’t have been so difficult. As soon as he said he wasn’t up for it because he’d “had a rough week,” I should have known then. I even told a friend, “this isn’t a good sign.” If things had been going as well as I thought, why would he have a problem talking about something that shouldn’t be difficult at all?

That’s when my instincts stood up and kicked me in the face and, still, I didn’t acknowledge them. I don’t think I ever acknowledge them. Stupid me.

Finally, Monday night, we got together. I went optimistically, in a dress I had bought with him in mind. (I regret ever buying an article of clothing with him in mind and, I swear to God, I will never buy a purple anything ever again.)

We chatted for a few minutes; I smiled and laughed thinking how good it was to just be near him. And, finally, he told me. Nothing had changed. After the last five (FIVE) months that we’ve been separated, three (THREE) of which were spent dating, he still wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married.

Fucking. Asshole.

And by that, I mean both of us. Him for not saying anything sooner, for letting me continue to believe that the time we spent together was helping, that it was mending our relationship… and me for letting him do it again. For not asking sooner. For assuming. For doing the same fucking thing I’ve done every time we’ve “broken up.” For the clothes I bought just to impress him, for the hours I spent in bars I hate just because I knew he liked them, for wasting my time and money flying to San Antonio. For everything. For every kiss, every hug, every intimate moment we shared. That fucking “I love you.”

God, I have so many regrets. I do. I admit it. I’m trying not to, but they’re there, weighing heavily on my mind and on my heart. How could I have let this happen again? With everything that’s happened before and everything I knew and everything I suspected… how could I make all the same mistakes? How could I just roll over and give him another chance to hurt me?

I’m frustrated, angry, hurt. Yeah, nothing new. The only difference this time? I think I’ve finally, finally, gotten to a point where I want absolutely nothing to do with him. (Although, knowing me, I’ll give him another seventeen chances.) (‘Cause I’m a sucker.)

If I were to look on the bright side, I’d say at least I’m already packed. At least my things are already moved and in storage. I’m already comfortably established in my mother’s home. And The Paperwork to get this done and behind me is practically complete. Now it’s just a matter of finally letting go and moving on. Once and for all.

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14 Responses to Even Bella is not this stupid.

  1. Violet says:

    I have to admit that I chuckled a bit at “I will never buy a purple anything ever again” because I totally get that, but…Ah, honey, it fucking sucks.

  2. Alias Mother says:

    This is the part where you should be glad I don't know you two in real life, because in real life I'd hunt him down and kick him in the balls.Don't waste a minute regretting. You enjoyed those moments at the time, right? So don't let this taint the enjoyment. Just breathe deep and move forward and (AND) (AAAANNNNDDD) don't give him another chance. Ever. Please. Don't. You deserve better than to live another second in limbo.Repeat after me: I DESERVE BETTER.Good girl. Now go get some candy.

  3. Lan says:

    so the title of your post def. gave me the impression it wasn't going to be a good update. don't compare youself to that insipid character. you're way better than her and you know this, you're better than what you're getting from The Hubs. but don't regret these last 5 months, it was a time of growth and learning. now you know better. now DO better.

  4. MichelleSG says:

    That does suck. And none of us here are going to say I told you so because we didn't. We didn't know, you didn't, can't just blame yourself it takes two. I am glad you are finally at a point of done-ness (for lack of better word). That's a huge step, try not to go backwards….

  5. mia says:

    you're so tender hearted… and so young… and so deserving of joy and happiness. I guess you're havin' to go through this so you recognize the awesome good that's comin' your way. And it IS. I feel it. 🙂 Kiss his ass good-bye and show him what he COULD have had… and love yourself while you're doin' it 🙂

  6. rory says:

    Damn.That sooooo sucks. I'm sorry.

  7. Julia says:

    Seriously, why do guys have to suck so much?? I'm about done with the entire gender myself. If I knew you in real life I'd say we need to have a girl's night, complete with massive amounts of cupcakes. And wine. And more cupcakes.

  8. The good news here is that you are still young and beautiful. Don't give him seventeen more chances or you'll be old (but sill beautiful), and then you'll really have regret. But don't regret now. You needed closure (and I'm not sure you've really gotten closure yet). I have plenty of friends who moved on, who found love again, who got re-married, who can't believe how happy they are now. You have plenty of time. So breathe and believe in yourself.

  9. Gayle says:

    You are not stupid! You needed to see if there was a chance that your marriage could work out. I don't think you would have been happy with yourself if you hadn't worked to see if you could get back together. I'm so sorry it turned out this way. Now leave that guy and find someone that will be all that you want in a husband!

  10. GrumbleBot says:

    You're definitely not stupid you just look for best. I admire that about you. That said, I think you've figured out that this is just more of the same ol' merry-go-round and you want things to change. So jump off. Take some time for yourself and do what YOU want, not what you think is expected. You'll find your smile soon!

  11. Debbie W says:

    You're not a sucker sweetie…you were just hopeful. There is nothing wrong with hoping. I'm so sorry the outcome was not what you had hoped.You mourn….you learn…and you move forward. You are stronger than you know, and smarter than you think. 🙂

  12. Anna says:

    I'm so sorry. I don't even know what else to say. You're not stupid. You were hopeful and there is nothing wrong with hope. You're going to get through this. It won't be easy (nothing ever is) but you will come out stronger on the other side.

  13. Mer says:

    I went through the same thing with my ex and learned and survived. Trust me honey, you are a gem…beautiful and invaluable… and you will get through this! He doesn't deserve you and YOU deserve BETTER! I've been reading your blog for a while, and don't comment as often as I probably should, but I really had to on this post. I really enjoy the insight into your life since we seem to be alike in so many ways. I hope you feel a bit better knowing that so many people out here care for you and are rooting for you. Yes, YOU!! 🙂

  14. Pingback: Always learning the hard way.

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