Trying to make sense.

I began writing a new post, like, twelve days ago. No joke. But it got to be so long, was taking up so much of my time, and had so many incomplete sentences that I finally just scrapped the damn thing and decided to start over.

Also, since it’s been, like, a year since I last posted anything (for which I am so not apologizing ’cause I hate it when people do that) (it’s YOUR blog, post however often you want!) I am, naturally, heaping loads of pressure on myself to make whatever it is I do post next really damn good.

(Which means this will totally suck.) (You’re welcome.)

And, since I haven’t been able to form the words I want to say into an even remotely coherent blog post, I’m reverting back to the ole stand-by. List format. ‘Cause I like lists. And it’s been a while.

It certainly won’t be as fun as this list, but I have to get this muddled crap off my mind and out into the great WWW or I’m afraid I’ll never get back to posting regularly.

So, yeah… just bear with me if you will…

1. If I had thought there was even the tiniest speck of possibility that The Husband and I would call “do-over” and resolve our issues, I never would have written this post.

2. No, The Husband and I have not called a “do-over,” by the way, but there is talk. There is serious talk.

3. Let me be clear here. When I cried “divorce,” there was zero (zero!) doubt in my mind that a divorce is exactly what would happen.

4. It’s why I filled out the papers the very same day. And shared them with The Husband the day after that.

5. It’s why we immediately began sleeping in separate rooms.

6. It’s why we immediately began to split all of our financial obligations.

7. When The Husband asked me to meet him for coffee two weeks later, I was 110% percent sure that it was not to question our decision and wonder if we were making a mistake.

8. I was wrong.

9. And remember this? You might recall it as the day I completely fell apart. I wrote it after returning home. Turns out I was more successful at holding myself together when I thought we had a less-than-zero chance… but crumbled to pieces when the “possibilities” door opened.

10. He asked if I’d consider a separation and give us a chance to figure things out. I told him that as much as I loved him, as much as I considered a divorce a horrible solution, it was the third year in a row that I’d heard him say he wasn’t happy. I couldn’t risk the hurt and heartbreak of hearing him say it again.

11. It’s that thought that keeps me unsure of a “do-over.”

12. I understand being unhappy. I do. Shit happens. Marriages aren’t easy. Being married to the same person for years and years and years and having to endure all the stupid shit that made you crazy starting the moment you moved in together can drive anyone off an effing cliff.

13. Wait. Where was I?

14. Oh yeah. My frustration stems from the fact that he never said anything about it until his bags were packed. Figuratively speaking, that is.

15. Technically, I’ve always been the one to pack.

16. I fear that I acted impulsively when I said “let’s just end this” and that The Depression played a lead role. I have not come to any concrete conclusions yet, but I’ll let you know when and if I do.

17. I’ve been avoiding my blog. There, I admit it. At first I was afraid everyone would think me an idiot for even contemplating the idea of working things out. Now I realize it’s because I think myself an idiot.

18. I need to stop beating myself up. I’ve made mistakes. He’s made mistakes. It’s time to figure out what I want right now.

19. You can probably guess at the direction in which I’m leaning. Because I’m a total sucker.

20. If it makes anyone feel better, if (big, huge IF) we decide to try again, I won’t move back in right away. We need counseling and I’ve already told The Husband that if he’s unwilling to commit to at least six months of torturous “I vs. YOU statements” then there’s no point in even trying. That’s one of my deal breakers.

21. I’ve asked that we both make our decision, one way or the other, by June 1st.

22. It’s going to be a very long two weeks.

23. On the flip side, a very long two weeks in a completely empty apartment. Empty. Apartment. A moment of silence, please. The Husband has left town on business and I’m taking care of the cats. When he suggested I sleep here, I thought that might be weird. Turns out? I don’t give a shit who lives here.

24. EMPTY APARTMENT.

25. The end.

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10 Responses to Trying to make sense.

  1. mia says:

    It's ok.. you have to do what's right for you. It's your life.. don't worry about blogger folks or what anyone thinks. God bless ya and good luck that you have a chance. I'd probably grab that chance too, if it were me. Just sayin'.

  2. Debbie W says:

    Agreed….you have to do what you feel is right. No one but you and the husband can make this decision. We ~ as in the blogger nation ~ can draw on our own experiences and pass them on to you, but bottom line is you know yourself and the husband better than any of us. You two are the two in this decision. I'm hoping for the best for you…cause sometimes good things do happen to good people. 🙂

  3. Deanna M says:

    Make the decision that makes both y'all the happiest. Take your time and don't rush anything. We out here in www land will be here for support and a sounding board to listen when you need to talk. Give the kitties a big hug for all of us. I know they have been missing you.

  4. Violet says:

    To thine own self be true. I have learned that those who know you and love you will accept all of your decisions (even the ones they don't like). Those who don't accept your decisions? Don't matter.Just take the time you need (short or long, you are the only one who knows how much) to be confident in your decision.

  5. amhealy says:

    I'm hoping you guys work things out. I would miss the Husband at Thanksgiving when we are playing Naked Sundays.

  6. WebSavvyMom says:

    –>I like lists too. Make a pros/cons list of staying with The Husband and be honest with yourself. The only “wrong” decision is the one that makes you unhappy. ~deb

  7. MichelleSG says:

    Rock on! I love that you set understandings before you jump into it. No moving in together, realize counseling is damn rough and will put one on the defensive, setting a date for decisions. Yeah, it's going to get a bit ugly but it's not like it hasn't been ugly before. Do what you think is right. Also remember it takes two, if he was unhappy then he needed to man up and admit it long before it got as bad as it did. 3 years unhappy? And he didn't mention it? No excuses for that and no reason for a repeat. Good luck babe!

  8. Gayle says:

    I don't like making even the smallest decisions. Big ones? Yikes! Enjoy your two weeks of quiet time!

  9. Alias Mother says:

    There is no judgment. There are just lots of good wishes for your happiness. Can I just say this, though? Hope does not make you a sucker. Hope is a good thing.

  10. rory says:

    Lists, huh?On the bad.1- He had what you felt was a relationship with another woman.2- He's told you he's unhappy and you check his phone.3- You read romantic novels and he watches sports.On the good.1- Everybody mostly always long for relationships to work, so2- Good luck.

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