Good and mad.

I think it was the embarrassment that did it; the realization that I was once again groveling for his love and attention that made me finally snap. And that’s when the mad came. And I decided to wrap it around me like a warm blanket and snuggle in.

I had agreed to try “dating.” I don’t know why. We’ve already dated. Nearly ten years ago. And we fell in love and we got married and immediately decided to quit communicating. (Look at us, the poster couple for what not to do.)

We can’t exactly go back in time and, quite frankly, I’m no longer interested in dating. But I agreed because he’s my husband and the vows I took BEFORE GOD are important to me.

It was a disaster. He seemed perfectly comfortable. I felt terribly awkward. The longer we sat there, the more I began to resent him. Was I supposed to try to impress him? Convince him that I was worthy of his love and of being his wife?

And then there was this conversation:

Him: I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me while I figure out what I want.
Me: Well, I can’t exactly sign a year-long lease if there’s still a chance we might work things out.
Him: Sure you can.

Shame washed over me. Because I had hoped for the best. I had even (sigh) gotten my hair cut. And when he said, “you didn’t have to do that for me” I lied and said I didn’t.

And even though I promised my girlfriends I would NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND, I couldn’t resist shaving and wearing, ahem, very nice undergarments. Because, damn it, it’s a girl’s right to be prepared JUST IN CASE.

And as I was thinking of this and feeling pitiful, it suddenly hit me. I deserve better.

There are things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had put him first more often than I did. I wish I had taken more of an interest in the things that were important to him.

But the fact is, I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I’ve done nothing for which I felt a need to hide or apologize. I haven’t lied or had relationships with other men.

And you know something else? I wish he had put me first more often. I wish he had taken more of an interest in the things that were important to me. I’m not the only one with room for improvement.

He likes to remind me that I’m always the one to leave him. He says one (one of too many to count) of the reasons he hesitates getting back together is because he doesn’t want to go through that again.

Me. Leaving him.

And all I can say to that is, for once, it’d be nice to not have a reason to go.

Anyway. Mad? It’s a lot better than feeling sad.

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19 Responses to Good and mad.

  1. Debbie W says:

    Embrace every emotion….part of the process. You may go back and forth, but different emotions means healing.PS….I tried the dating thing one time with an ex….not husband but someone I had lived with for 8 years. And I was uncomfortable…and I got angry and resentful as well. Must be a part of the moving forward process. I have a little cartoon I'm going to send you via email…..I think you will both relate and enjoy it. 🙂

  2. kerryanne says:

    I have no right to to give my 2 cents but after reading this post *I* was mad. Sweetie, you DO deserve better. My instinct is to say nasty things about your ex but I don't know him or the real life details of your relationship, so I won't. But the urge was there.Focus on yourself and what you need and want. You deserve peace and room to move on. You are young, smart and beautiful. The world is there for you.

  3. Hang in there, it will get better.

  4. Gayle says:

    You do deserve better and I know you will find better!

  5. Pissy says:

    Hi! I saw your comment over on another blog and had to come check you out. Very cool name.Then I read this post….wow….I'm “married” to my husband in name only. Have been for a few years now. It's financially best for both of us. There are NO romantic feelings of any kind left between us.I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Being in your situation would be so difficult and sad.You already know you deserve better.I hope you find it soon!xx~Pissy

  6. Teeter says:

    Just remember, at some point, it is very much ok for you to let go and move on if need be. You do not need to be toyed with, you DO deserve better than that. And let me just say, His bull shit about him being afraid you will leave him again…yada yada yada… What about all his bull shit?????Sorry, it made me mad to read 😉

  7. Jen says:

    Now I'm mad, mad at him for putting you in a position where you had no coice but to leave him, and then, daring to play the victim when you left. You deserve better, and you'll find better. I know this.

  8. rory says:

    Mad works.Hate accelerates the healing process too.You know, just sayin'

  9. MichelleSG says:

    Go with the mad. Take that advice with a grain of salt that it's worth though, I'm an agressive person. Me and mad are great old friends. Remember too that it takes two. He's all comfortable because he's at a different place in life. I'm going to go out on a long ass limb here and also think that he's emtionally moved on. Not like he's going to turn down sex or anything so woman, don't offer it up. Go bang someone else, seriously.

  10. HonduranBaker says:

    I agree with your sister. You deserve better and that crap he said is bullshit 🙂 -L

  11. Helena says:

    What an awesome thing that you are realizing that you deserve better, because YOU DO. And feeling mad is a good, healthy step too, and a good sign that you are Getting There. Keep on.

  12. Rachel says:

    HEELLLLLL YEEAAAAHHHHH!!! oh, and ps: urge you to embrace the fancy-pants for any/all occasions.

  13. Rachel says:

    my 'banshee scream' note to go with the style in which 'hell yeah' should be expressed seems to have gotten eaten up as html. this here's one of dem fancy sites!

  14. Alias Mother says:

    I like mad. Mad is easier to cheer on from my internet outsider point of view. Also, like those more mature people above said, go with the emotions. Trust the process. Blah, blah.And ride the mad as far as it takes you.

  15. It takes two to tango, marriage can´t be one-sided when only one partner has to put in all the efforts. So stop beating yourself up for things that are not under your control. Be mad, but don't forget to be happy in the process 🙂

  16. Laura says:

    YES!!!! You deserve way better!

  17. amy says:

    let your feelings be what they are…you will find your way.

  18. Stephanie says:

    That last sentence is going to make me laugh every time I think of it.

  19. Violet says:

    He left you. Long before someone actually said the words, long before someone actually packed their things – he left you. And it's true, mad is easier.

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