Taking pathetic to a whole ‘notha level.

I swear I haven’t intentionally stayed away. I’ve sat down countless times and stared at this little white text box hoping something other than DIVORCE would come to mind. Unfortunately, I usually just stare off into space for unknown lengths of time before finally giving up.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Just this morning I knelt down to retrieve something from a lower cabinet… five minutes later I couldn’t remember why I was kneeling on the kitchen floor staring at a bunch of cleaning supplies. I do this at work, too. In between procrastinating and playing Diner Dash. Yes, I am really turning into one hell of a model employee.

But somehow, I’m coping. I haven’t cried in days and I’ve only felt that painful grip of panic a couple of times… which is a huge relief after feeling nothing but panic for weeks. I have a couple of theories.

One, the Prozac, of which my dosage was just recently increased, has kicked in and is having one hell of party in my brain.

Or two, this ridiculous hope I feel that The Husband and I will somehow reconcile and live happily ever after has taken the edge off of packing, moving most of my belongings into storage and taking up residence with my dad. Where I now share a room and bunk beds with my kid sister.

BUNK BEDS.

See, normally, this is where the fear and anxiety would come rushing in to wreak havoc on my emotions and my body’s ability to function at all, except… nothing. It has to be the prozac, right? Otherwise I’m just the dumb girl who doesn’t get it.

But I’ve thought about it and I’ve determined that while holding out hope for any sort of reconciliation is completely unhealthy, at least when reality does come crashing down around me, I’ll have already settled into a new home and a new “life” so maybe it won’t be quite so horrible when that hope I have such a tenuous grasp on is ripped away from me.

Anyone else buying this?

All right, I’m going to bed. Where I might possibly start reading Twilight again. (I’m totally entitled.)

Wake me when it’s April. I’ll be the one on the bottom bunk.

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11 Responses to Taking pathetic to a whole ‘notha level.

  1. Yes. I do buy it. Plus there's probably a sense of relief for just not being in that tension of a broken marriage. Plus shock kinda works as a buffer from the pain (as do antidepressants). I'm still in shock, though the divorce finalized in August. But life does go on, and we make things work. You're doing great.Sleep well!Robyn

  2. I understand. And really I think right now it's all about what's going to get you through this. I saw this commercial the other night and i'm sure you've already seen it but I think you should go on this website and get your ass to a midnight dvd release party! Go with someone else that loves the books and the movies as much as u damit! you deserve to smile :)http://www.twilightthemovie.com/take care,-L

  3. Violet says:

    Totally normal. The forgetfulness, the distraction, the less-than-stellar work performance, the hope that you know is probably unrealistic but you have to right now, the nothingness – it's all part of the process and totally normal if you ask me.I remember days when I wanted to call someone to talk but I didn't have anything to say, when I knew I wouldn't be able to manage anything more complicated than “hi”. I often called anyway and those wonderful people who love me filled in the empty spaces for me.I also remember saying to my BFF that I just wanted to sleep until it stopped hurting. Couldn't do that, of course, but it did stop hurting…bit by bit, there was more of me and less of the open wound.You are loved. And you will be ok. Not today, but you will.

  4. LynneFtWorth says:

    Time heals all wounds. I know that is corny but it is true. I saw that New Moon is coming out on DVD so go to the launch, have fun and lose yourself in the stories for a while. It does work I have done it.

  5. Deanna says:

    I think you should move to the bay area and hang with my unemployed ass. We could start our own business of baking and smart-assing. What do you think?I'm happy to see that you are still blogging cause I miss you when you are gone. Best wishes, it'll get better soon!

  6. Cute Banana says:

    I'm in cahoots with Deanna: move up here to SF, let's bake-bizniss and turn new pages toward meaning in other parts of life.I also recommend reading about Maslow's heirarchy of needs; I bet it will help if you understand what hurdles you need to conquer to get onto the next levels of fulfillment in life. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

  7. You're not the girl that doesn't get it. That's what the antidepressants do! I had my dosage upped a little while ago and I literally couldn't cry on one of the saddest days I've ever experienced so after that I dropped my dosage a little. I wanted to still feel things somewhat. Good luck balancing all this.

  8. Spruce Hill says:

    Once you get into a regular routine and life gets back to “normal” you will settle in. You are stronger then you think. Hang in there! 🙂

  9. Gayle says:

    Hang in there, Stephanie. Things will get better with time.

  10. Debbie says:

    Thinking of you Stephanie….if reading Twilight helps get you through the night, then you should read it again….and again….and again….as many times as it takes. You are indeed entitled.

  11. karal says:

    I'm sure it doesn't seem so now, but you will one day look back on this time in those bunk beds with your sister and be grateful for it. don't be so hard on yourself ~ move through it at your pace and i swear you'll come out a better woman. promise.

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