Bottoms up.

Blogging through the crazy. One inappropriate pill-pushing picture at a time.

I don’t know what I expected when I started this blog. I remember hoping that people would find me at least marginally entertaining and maybe, possibly, feel moved to leave a comment once in a while. Beyond that, I didn’t have many grand expectations. (I suppose I just wanted a little piece of the web all my own where I could misuse parenthesis to my heart’s content.)

The relationships, however, were a surprise. I just never saw them coming. I never thought I’d actually become friends with anyone or, gasp, build real relationships.

Sure, I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn’t upset The Balance. Maybe someone would pause and wonder or spend a brief moment thinking that’s too bad, as I would if it happened to one of you, but no tears would be shed and that’s okay. (Trust me. I don’t need the added guilt of thinking that someone out there might be crying real live tears because I decided to stop blogging.)

(Oh, just FYI, I have not decided to quit blogging. This is not that kind of post.)

(Besides, if it makes you feel better, I can’t imagine not visiting my favorite blogs, so even if I did decide to one day say “peace out,” it wouldn’t be for long. You’d still hear from me, whether you like it or not. Suckers.)

Before I get anymore off topic, let me try and reel this bad boy back in.

Turns out the relationships, while unexpected, are the best part of blogging. (Yes, I’ve said that before. Dude, if I’m going to stick around, I’m going to repeat myself occasionally. Might as well prepare yourself now.)

However, those relationships are also where things tend to get a bit messy. (Relationships are messy, or haven’t you heard?) I’ve become friends with people who don’t just briefly entertain me, but who I also admire like crazy.

Some are so genuinely nice that I feel like a better person just for reading their blog! Some are such amazing writers that I’ll spend upwards of twenty effing minutes critiquing my own comment because how dare I, a mere peon in the shadow of their greatness, attempt to write even a casual sentence beneath their work of art?

(See what you people have done to me?! I’ve gone completely mad.)

But, because I think so highly of you people, I also care what you think. So, as time has gone by, and as my feelings for you have become stronger and stronger and we’ve fallen more and more in love, it’s become harder to maintain that open-book mentality that I had when I wrote my first post.

And, let’s face it, people can be sometimes… maybe… possibly… a little, well, judgmental. Not intentionally! Not always! But it happens. (Me? Totally guilty.) But my tough-shell exterior is (mostly) a facade. I admit it. So, the stronger our relationship becomes, the more I find myself hesitating. Because what if what I write next totally repels you?

Baking, I know, is a perfectly safe topic. And you couldn’t pay me to stop talking about Twilight. (I mean, you’re lucky it’s not all Twilight all the time.) The cat pictures are harmless… as is my random undertaking of projects never finished.

But the fact that I filled a prescription for Prozac today? That’s a little tougher. Because it feels like a weakness, like I should be better than this, like I should be able to just tough it out. Like, if I were telling you the news in person, I’d be twitching all over the place, staring at the floor or anything but you, and totally about to change the subject while you stared back at me while wondering what the appropriate amount of time was to stand there and be properly sympathetic until you could change the subject and pretend I’d never brought it up. What will they think of me now?

But it’s out there now. Floating around the great, big WWW. And I can’t take it back. So, since it’s too late to change the subject, someone may as well crack a joke and break the awkward silence.

Or you could tell me how I’m making a huge mistake and here’s what you would do instead. That’s okay, too.

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26 Responses to Bottoms up.

  1. TheresaG says:

    I've never taken prozac, but there can be weight gain just so you know. one thing I like about welbutrin is it has the opposite side effect (plus it works well for me).you're spot on about the relationships here in the blogosphere. and if you were telling me in person, I'd give you a hug and offer some chocolate!

  2. Prozac rocks! I had to go on it(yep lame excuse here) so I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown over my husband having brain cancer. One of us has to remain sane in this family. Now me, my sister and my mom are on it. I've actually lost weight cause I'm more hyper and happier! Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Welcome to the happy world Steph! 😉

  3. Mia says:

    amen sistah'. Do what you have to do to get you through. And I know what you mean about the whole blog relationship thing. Don't ya just wish sometimes you had “real” people in your life like that? Or is it just me? ::sigh:::::big giant, GIANT hug:::

  4. Lady says:

    Just want to say you always post encouragement on my blog, you've even been kind enough to follow me down my windy road of blog stalkers and name changes! All I can say is thank you! AND, if you did know me in person you'd know that whenever things get HEAVY I get FUNNY. Its the Chandler from Friends part of my personality…..So all I'll say is are we taking our Prozak with chocolate or whine today? {hugs}

  5. Poindexter says:

    wow, join the club cutie. Over here in TX, who's NOT on some sort of anti-depressant? Makes day-to-day living ever that so much more tolerable.warning though, if you happen to be a golfer, it might have some side effects – my mom takes Prozac, but has to stop taking it during the summer when she plays, it wrecks the rhythm of her game. Whatever that means….hang in there – no biggie.

  6. Violet says:

    What do I think of you now? That you are brave enough to ask for help and open enough to accept the suggested treatment.IMO, every single human being suffers clinical depression at least once in a lifetime – and many people deal with it periodically. A lot of people live in denial of it. I have way more respect for those of us who are strong enough to admit our weaknesses and seek a solution.Big hugs to you!

  7. Chelsea says:

    No judgment here. Sometimes the brain just feels better with a few drugs. I agree- the relationships are the best. I totally didn't know that was part of blogging. Fun surprise.

  8. Gayle says:

    Heck, it seems like most people are taking something. It's no big deal. I hope it helps you, but if it doesn't don't hesitate to try another medication. My mother-in-law is a phobia counselor and very well versed in all of these kinds of medications and she always tells people that one med that works for some people doesn't work for others. Just my little piece of medical advice!Now I must comment on the beauty of the Prozac bokeh! Maybe you have a future in product photography in addition to food photography!

  9. Personally, my therapy doesn't come in a pill….it comes from the mall. I don't know how much Prozac goes for these days, but I had to return a $200 dress yesterday because I needed some happiness the day I bought it. (The dress fit PERFECTLY, by the way.) Anyway, I would never be brave enough to admit that on my own blog. I admire you for putting yourself out there.

  10. Anna says:

    I know what you mean. I filled a prescription for an anti-depressant recently and am wondering how to approach it online and in personal life. How do I explain to people why I can't drink a beer without them all suspecting that I am pregnant or something without telling them?

  11. rory says:

    Stephanie, i love your honesty and openness and if Prozac helps what's dragging you down, then cool. I just hope that you can get to a point you don't need it.Ya know?

  12. Debbie says:

    I don't think “toughing it out” is everything people think it is. I think it can actually suck to tough it out sometimes. What do I think….Applause, applause. I admire you and your ability to recognize that perhaps things could be a bit better. And if you need a boost up to get to that point, better to take prescribed medication rather than seeking solace in alcohol or illegal drugs. I believe you are quite brave myself. 🙂

  13. Taking medication does not define who you are as a person. Period.I've never taken it but have 2 people in my life who I love dearly who do and it only helps them be who they really are- not muddled down with unfair depression. Just be mindful and be the owner of the prozac- if that makes any sense.You are such a funny, smart girl with a wonderful talent in photography and baking! Those are the things that make you rock. kisses.

  14. Teeter says:

    When the hubby went on an antidepressant, it was the best thing for us. That was 4 months ago and it's still working out great! I love them/him so much more!! ;)For me, antidepressants don't work. They make me feel totally whacked out. It was the add meds that finally made me feel better.

  15. Grumblebot says:

    I hope that the Prozac helps.I've had my times when I've needed it as well and had a very hard time telling those closest to me that I needed them (much less why).Thanks for being brave and wonderful.Keep baking and writing; I'll keep reading!

  16. Aw, I love you too 🙂 You should do whatever it is that makes YOU feel better. “Some are such amazing writers”You are talking about me, aren't you? HA! Joke. But you knew that already.Have a good weekend.

  17. Jen says:

    Good for you, Stephanie. I look at that bottle and I see someone who cares more about getting better than about what others may think. Also, I think your Prozac is way prettier than my Lexapro. No fair.

  18. Alias Mother says:

    “Taking medication does not define who you are as a person. Period.”Word. This. Someone I know once made a comment that has stuck with me for years: “I will never judge anyone for doing what they need to do to get through the chaos of this life.” Right now, this is what you have to do. This is what millions have to do. The Prozac is one tool among many, and I hope that it, along with all the other tools, helps you feel more like you. ASAP.Because we love you, too.

  19. MichelleSG says:

    I seem to be the only female in my family not on some sort of antidepressant. Denial, it's not just a river in Egypt, right? We put our crazy dog (and I say that with the deepest of affection, he's my fav) on Prozac for 1 year. He managed to figure out how to control himself with it. Basically it took enough of the 'edge' off so that he didn't need it anymore. I'm a chemist, better living through chemistry! Plus, you know, it's better than becoming a Jehovah's Witness and being 'saved'. Take the drugs, and if they don't help switch to a different kind. We're with ya all the way!

  20. Spruce Hill says:

    Hey don't sweat it. I take laxapro. I took prozac before but it gave me a massive head ache. I took it before I had cancer but went back to it after I finished treatment. It seems having cancer puts a bit of stress on a person, Who knew! It helps with panic attacks and such.Don't worry about it if you feel better that's all that counts!

  21. Hey girl,sorry for the late comment, i've been slacking on my blogs. Well I for one would be incredibly upset if u stopped blogging. And as for the prozac…shit haven't we all been there? ok well I have at least and I didnt feel like it did anything to me but make me numb. sure i cried less but between u and more holy shit it did it kill my sex drive ugh! But hopefully your experience is better than mine with it. and don't be sad we all love you here on the WWW. :)-L

  22. Deanna says:

    Ok, so this comment is a bit late. I've been moving and then out of town, but I just caught up on C&W.; Here's my 2-cents…You must do whatever it takes to lead a happy and healthy life. If that means taking prozac, then take it. Life is way too short to go on being unhappy or beating yourself up over the small stuff. And if the prozac doesn't work, try something else! Good for your for having an open mind and letting yourself be vulnerable enough to try.

  23. I think you would be hard pressed to find many successful, hard-working and deep thinking women who are not on some kind of meds. A year ago I had what I thought was a heart attack in a hotel room on a business trip by myself. The anxiety was not new…I had been trying to deal with it for a while…and like you, I felt like letting the anxiety get to me was a weakness. Turns out what I experienced was a full fledged panic attack. I take Lexapro now and feel much more in control of things than I ever have (probably will never feel completely in control):)Give yourself a break and enjoy living your life. Thank goodness these meds exist!

  24. OMG – where have I been? I leave town for the weekend, have a sick kid and a snow day and I feel like I've let you down.You know my view on medication and stepping out of the dark hole. When I outed myself, you told me you seriously loved me for my post. I seriously love you, too. And I know it's scary to talk about needing help out loud. Weird how everyone is on anti-depressants and we are all still freaked out to talk about it.I went on a girl's weekend with three other girls. I got too relaxed and over-shared (common problem for me). I talked about struggles with depression and OCD. Then I started twisting in the wind thinking that these ladies would think I was a freak. Turns out, all three of them had tried anti-depressants as well.It's a big, brave step to get some help. It shows you care about yourself and the people around you. It's a good thing. Now if you'l excuse me, I have more C&W; posts to read. I am way behind here.

  25. your mother says:

    What's the matter with you? Just tough it out! Just try harder! I can't handle any kind of anti-anxiety medication except for this mild tranquilizer that a doctor prescribed when I was going through my divorce back in 2002. I felt like I was going crazy. Now, I only take a tiny piece of one when I become too overwhelmed with things and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.Did you know that anxiety runs in our family? All of my sisters (4) have anxiety. We have all had periods of anxiety disorder, and one of us is agoraphobic. Your welcome. 🙂

  26. SaraReno says:

    I was on Prozac after each of my kids was born and it really saved me. Instead of spending hours sitting on a couch staring at a ticking clock (did that a LOT) I was a normally (mostly) functioning person. At first I felt like I was failing because I had to take it but once I was on it I realized that a lot of that feeling was my depression talking. Things will start looking up soon.

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