What a string of six o’clock shifts looks like.

Day One: Wake up fairly alert and scurry to shut off alarm before it wakes The Husband. Tip-toe silently through a dark bedroom gathering clothes and other things I might need. Gently open and close the bedroom door. Spend five minutes posing in front of the bathroom mirror. Brush teeth, wash face, moisturize, pluck two stray eyebrow hairs. Brush hair and lightly spritz myself with Escada’s Sunset Heat. Get dressed, grab lunch and my purse. Arrive to work on time and cheerfully greet coworkers. (Okay, “cheerfully” might be a stretch, but I’m sure I at least smiled.) Contemplate a nap in the afternoon, then decide I’d rather bake instead.

Day Three: Wake up feeling as if ten-pound weights are strapped to my body. Snooze the alarm three times. Sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes rubbing my face as if that’ll somehow rub away the fact that it’s so early not even Starbucks is open and the only people awake are East Coast bloggers. Haphazardly grope around in the dark for things I might need. Completely ignore The Husband when he gets up to use the facilities after having been woken up from my opening and closing of closet doors and dresser drawers. Arrive to work ten minutes late. Grunt at coworkers and avoid eye contact. Take hour-long nap after arriving home.

Day Five*: Wake up feeling as if I took up boxing lessons the night before. Don’t bother snoozing the alarm because WHAT’S THE EFFING POINT!? Turn on all lights and the television. If I’m going to be miserable, so is THAT MAN. Slam the bedroom door. Slam the bathroom door. Splash cold water on my face and skip the shower. Contemplate wearing a hat to work and backhanding anyone who tries to tell me it isn’t “in the handbook.” Kick the cat as I walk out the door. Arrive to work on time. Eat a candy bar for breakfast because, as far as I’m concerned, calories don’t count at UNNATURAL O’CLOCK. Fall asleep sitting at my desk. Receive written warning. Use string of colorful words to tell my boss what I think about it, him, and the whole freaking job. Get escorted from the premises. Knock over a bank on the way home because, obviously, I’m now strapped for funds. Fall asleep in the back of police car.

*Day Five is tomorrow and could, possibly, be an exaggeration, but if you don’t hear from me again relatively soon, please send bail money.

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11 Responses to What a string of six o’clock shifts looks like.

  1. Should I put the money in a duffel bag or is a purse okay too?Hang in there! But be careful, the cat will retaliate 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oh my god sooo funny! I know getting up so early SUCKS! It physically hurts and I sorta want to die waking up at 5am (only because that is technically sleeping right?)*Tip* try setting your clothes out and anything else you will need at the butt crack of dawn out the night before. That way you don't even have to think about it in the morning. I feel like it gets me about 7 more minutes of sleep and I LOVE THAT.Stick it out…it will get better…ok that's bullshit it never gets better. It might get slightly easier…but it doesn't ever stop sucking! Sorry girl. But if it makes you feel better in anyway, I am suffering here WITH you across the country in Mass.-L

  3. Spruce Hill says:

    Hope you have a better day! I hate waking up early!

  4. Gayle says:

    Uh oh, this doesn't sound good. The difference between your day one and day two is pretty funny. (Funny looking in from the outside, not so funny when you're living it!) I hope day three is better than your scenario! Do you have the weekend off? I hope so.

  5. Violet says:

    “Unnatural o'clock” – that's the only setting on my alarm clock. One summer I worked the 5 am shift at the hospital lab. I LOVED it – I was home before 3, rested for 30 min or so (without sleeping), which revived me for the rest of the day. I was 19. It's safe to say that I would not feel the same way about that shift today.

  6. Deanna says:

    Can I help you knock over that bank?? I'd like to quit my stupid job too!

  7. MichelleSG says:

    We could do a bank easy, no problem. I can get rid of all the dead bodies for ya. It's my m.o….

  8. Wait until you're old like me. It doesn't matter what time you go to bed. You wake up early whether you have to work or not.

  9. Dutch Donut Girl, I think a purse would be great. Something super fashionable. You know, to deter people. L, when you wake up at five, it's technically two a.m. here, so you win! I know it probably won't get better. I am not a morning person (although I do love mornings when I wake up on my own). I have to stay positive. Going to work at six is better than going in at two in the afternoon and getting off at eleven. The swing shift really sucks. Except for the whole well rested part.Thanks, Spruce Hill! Gayle, I do have tomorrow (Saturday) off. I don't work quite so early on Sunday, but then the six a.m. shifts start all over again. Violet, when I was nineteen, I worked as a server and opened the restaurant for breakfast at five a.m. I couldn't do the early shifts then, either. It was great getting home so early, but two-hour naps were mandatory to survive.Deanna, absolutely! The more the merrier.Michelle, I like your spirit! (Kinda creepy, but you know, awesome.) Mom… that's a long, long way off. 😉

  10. Alias Mother says:

    An old roommate used to refer to whatever hideous time we had to wake up as “the butt crack of dawn.” It's like “unnatural o'clock” only with vulgar overtones. Which makes it better, of course.

  11. Someone wakes me up and it's like Day 3 every day in my house. It's a good thing chocolate has caffeine in it.

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