Right now.

I’m totally addicted to turkey and Cool Ranch Dorito sandwiches. Don’t tell me you’ve never jammed your chips in between the layers of a sandwich. It’s awesome. Sure, I haven’t done so since I was, oh, TWELVE, but I just can’t seem to get enough.

I’m rereading Twilight. But, before you sigh and shake your head in disgust (you think I don’t know, but I do), let me explain. I devoured four very long books in a matter of days. I saw the movie in the middle of the third. By that time I was beginning to forget details of the first. Suddenly, I couldn’t help but remember the first book as if it had happened exactly like the movie. I had to go back and reread it to remember. (To remember how fantastic it was.)

I am, however, slightly unnerved to realize that I’m having an even harder time putting it down now than I did the first time around. Which was approximately twenty days ago. I have a problem.

I’m worried that I might get fired for blogging at work. I’m not sure this will actually stop me from doing so, but it’s something to think about. One of our supervisors was just fired for some sort of sexually inappropriate e-mails, the details of which I’m still fuzzy. Granted, this blog is a far cry from “sexually inappropriate” (I think), but you never know. I really should stay off the Internet while at work. But then what would I do with the other six hours?

I’m wondering why Blogger insists on capitalizing the word “Internet.”

I’m trying to decide whether or not I want to hear the answer to a question I asked of The Husband earlier today. I asked him if he would choose The Other Woman (who will remain nameless because I can’t type her name, let alone say it, for fear I might vomit) over me if she were, in fact, available and not married.

And then I said, “You know, marriage? It’s that same thing YOU AND I entered into legally five years ago? We stood up in front of friends, family, and GOD and vowed to be together forever?! REMEMBER THAT?!” Okay, so I didn’t actually say that, but maybe I should have, just to remind him. Because I think he’s forgotten.

Either he will say yes, at which time I will have to cut off his testicles (sorry, men), or he will say no and I won’t believe him. Either way, it’s a no-win shituation. Which is why I’m not sure I want to know the answer. So, I ask you this… Is it better to know? Or be blissfully ignorant? I’m not sure which way I’m leaning.

I’m changing the subject.

I’m wanting to bake. But not wanting to bake. But wanting to bake. And welcome to my brain. This is how it’s been for weeks. Tonight I came close. See, on Sunday, The Husband and I and my mother-in-law drove out to Palm Springs to visit family. We went to lunch at this deli that had one of the most amazing displays of assorted desserts that I’ve ever seen. Of course, the heart wants what the heart wants and mine wanted the giant smiley-faced sugar cookie. Sure, I could have chosen any one of the decadent desserts they offered, but no. I wanted the sugar cookie. And it was delicious.

However, while we were there, I also noticed they had giant chocolate-dipped Florentine cookies. They looked spectacular, but I thought that might be going overboard. Surely an eighteen pound sugar cookie is plenty… even for me.

But I couldn’t get those Florentines out of my mind. Tonight I found a recipe. I turned on the oven, set a saucepan on the stove, checked to make sure I had corn syrup… and then lost all ambition. Sigh. One of these days…

I’m thinking it’s time to go to bed and not just because that means Edward Cullen.

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14 Responses to Right now.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Stephanie, I have read many of your blogs – well actually ALL of them – i am slightly addicted to your mind…anyways as a woman who has gone through the type of betrayal that you are discussing with regards to your husdand– i completely understand the insecurity that comes with the thought that you might not be as good or more enticing than the other woman – that is in my humble opinion completely normal,however, when you two decided to stay together you were essentially agreeing to trust one another again and you have to stop yourself from obsessing and wondering – really fuck that – you are intelligent and beautiful (i've seen your pictures – so don't think yea right) and you are his wife – the same wife who has stood by his side for the past 5 years so force yourself to let it go and move on – dwelling only makes us women completely bitchy and irrational. Anyways it seems your husband is slightly stupid for even thinking about going out on you but i mean he is a man and really they are just completely inferior most of the time!

  2. Gayle says:

    Hmmm, is there such thing as a Twilight intervention? Twilight Anonymous?! I have read so much on the internet about people getting totally absorbed in these books, I am afraid to start with them! My house would be a mess. I'm not the best housewife now, if I got sucked into these books, nothing would get done!Better to know or be blissfully ignorant? I have not been through this type of situation with my husband but regarding other things in life, I wish blissfully ignorant existed. I often try the blissfully ignorant path, but there's always that little voice in my head reminding me of whatever the problem is. Yes, you must make the Florentines and photograph them so we can drool at our computer screens over them!

  3. Suki says:

    I would chose the blisfully ignorant way, but there are things which are so heavy that you can't ignore them.Maybe you can wype them out of your mind, but they are coming back like little devils. I couldn't forgive a betrayal. And I still need to know which way he would decide.Love your writing and your little story's about life.

  4. TheresaG says:

    Hi Stephanie- Sometimes, when life is sorta beating you down, it's hard to find the energy to do something, even when you really love doing that thing. Go on, get into the kitchen, make something delicious- even if you don't feel like it right then. I have found that the process of making something yummy lifts my spirits. I've found that once you KNOW something, you cannot be blissfully ignorant no matter how hard you try. Y'all have to find your own way. Me? I told my husband before we married that there were two things that he could do to make me leave him: cheat on me or ask me to leave (aka abuse me). Anything else could be forgiven.Hang in there. I look forward to seeing pictures of the Florentines!

  5. I have a confession – I love plain potato chips dipped in potted meat….eeeww! I know!Blissfully ignorant? No. Blissfully ignoring? Yes.Stop thinking about him. You need some “me” time. Make your floretines. Get your nails done. Buy a great new dress, shoes, and hat;)Be the kick-ass chick you are!

  6. Teeter says:

    I wish we lived by each other. I would love to talk to you. I would love to hang your hubby by his balls on a tree. sigh. Maybe it's better I live far away. If you can truly forgive him, then so will I. But, I may not like it. ;PT

  7. MichelleSG says:

    Bake and read more, it'll make you feel better. but it will not get you past this betrayal thing. If you can't get past it and he can't get past it then what are you doing? I could give you my opinion but really, it isn't worth much. My first husband was sleeping with his best friend's fiance (shit you not) when I left him. The good news is that I didn't want him anymore. The bad news is (for all my future relationships that is) I do not tolerate and miss steps. At all. Period. They aren't worth my time, life is much to short.

  8. amhealy says:

    I don't worry about things like whether my husband wants to be with another woman. I have too much to do than to worry about something that may never become an issue.However, if I came home and caught them in “the act,” I would leave his sorry ass in a heart beat. Put it away, Steph. I agree with what the first commenter said. When you catch him, Call Teeter to cut his balls off and hang them by a nail on a tree.

  9. JMC says:

    Hang in there! I love your blogs… they're are completely addicting.

  10. Stephanie says:

    Anonymous, thank you for your comments. You are right, I know this, I'm just struggling with letting it go. And can I get an “Amen!” on the whole men being inferior thing? They can be so dumb sometimes. (Sorry, men. Again.)Gayle, at this point, I'm not sure Twilight Anonymous would help. Hmm. Maybe I should start a twelve step program. I bet I'd make bank. Sandra, thanks for commenting. Here's the reason I asked the blissfully ignorant question. The Husband and I were happy. Granted, it's only been a couple weeks, but things were going really, really good. Like before the problems started, but better. Then I found this new stuff. Well, it's old, but new to me. And worse than anything I've ever found before. I believe that it hasn't happened since he came back home, so maybe we could have gone on being happy without my ever having to know that the other stuff ever happened. Who knows.TheresaG, thanks. The Florentines will make their appearance soon (I hope). I can't stop thinking about them.Hat Chick… Um… what is potted meat??? MichelleSG, I almost feel bad for my husband. He's got a rough road ahead with his formerly (semi-) normal wife. By the way, did you just encourage me to keep reading Twilight? I think I love you. 😉JMC, thank you for stopping by… and for the support. It's amazing how wonderful a group of strangers can be.

  11. amhealy says:

    BTW: I just downloaded “Twilight” to my iphone for $10. I can take it with me everywhere I go and read it in the line at the grocery store, lol. It's time for me to find out what the addiction is about.

  12. Jen says:

    Stephanie; if you are staying, and it sounds like you are, don't ask the question. You re-found the stuff and it poked that sore spot in your brain–the other woman spot. If you and he have made the commitment to work through it, then your part of the bargain is to allow that wound to heal. Oh, and you're absolutely beautiful.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Well I guess my first question would be why hasn't he deleted the material on his phone? I mean you should just tell him that you saw them (if you did by accident) and tell him that it makes you feel very uncomfortable that he has that stuff on his phone – really there should be no reason why he hasn't deleted that stuff. Or you delete it – it shouldn't be there. period.

  14. I hope you find your ambition soon. Florentines are delicious.As for the question and the emotional havoc and EVERYTHING you're going through, I think you need another *hug*.Hugs always make me feel just a little better on the inside.

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