Salt in my wounds.

This past Saturday was gorgeous. It was sunny and wonderfully warm. The Husband and I drove up to Huntington Beach to have lunch and enjoy the weather. Of course, so did everyone else. Including Tito Ortiz and his posse. (Do they still call it that?) They sat at a table a couple feet away from us, bombarded by autograph requests and flashing cameras. It was quite a scene.

Once, I asked an actor for an autograph while I was working in a hotel in Monterey. He was with his family and another couple of friends and afterwards I felt so guilty for interrupting his vacation that I knew I would never do it again. (Tim McGraw, Vin Diesel, and Dane Cook are the exceptions, but even then, I won’t ask for an autograph. I’ll just rip my clothes off and take a flying leap. Hey, I’m just trying to keep it honest.)

So, there Tito sat, within arms reach, and me refusing to bother him. However, I couldn’t help myself from slyly taking his picture with The Husband’s camera phone. This is the best I got while pretending to hold the phone very nonchalantly and oh! I didn’t even realize it was pointed in his direction! Oops!

Unfortunately, this picture caused a lot more problems than I could have imagined.

When I asked The Husband for his password to get these images off the internet, I never thought twice about it. I mean, I already knew of all the dirty little secrets that were stored away in his phone, right?

God, one day I will break that fucking thing in half and I swear I won’t be sorry. That and Facebook. I don’t know how I’ll break Facebook in half, but trust me, I’ll find a way.

I remember when I was sixteen, at home one night hanging with The Parents, we heard a clamor coming from the neighbors house. The three of us went out onto the balcony, looked over and watched in stunned silence as our friendly (and cute) neighbor proceeded to beat the shit out of his computer with a baseball bat. No lie. Turns out his wife was in the middle of a torrid, internet affair. I used to think the guy was out of his freaking mind, but now I kinda commiserate with the poor fool. They’ve since gotten divorced.

But I digress. The images and messages I stumbled across today were far worse than anything I had found before. And even though I realize that they’re not new, that they occurred during the same time as the others I’ve found, it still hurts and rubs raw at wounds still fresh and bloody.

And, to add insult to injury, it seems I only come across these things while in the middle of trying to do something nice. Which then makes me feel very stupid and foolish… and very much like a child trying to play a grown-up’s game while completely unaware of the rules.

See, The Husband’s had this picture frame for many, many months (possibly years now, but who knows) that was given to him as a “welcome to the team” gift when he accepted his current job. He brought it home and asked me to insert a picture of the two of us, but it’s since been left neglected, untouched and picture-less.

A week ago, I finally decided to do something about it. I thought it would be a nice gesture, you know, in the whole spirit of recommitting to each other and starting fresh and all that. I asked J to takes some pictures of me. And, like other photographers I’ve met, I really hate being in front of the camera. Hate, hate, hate it. I mean, I really fucking hate it. I am uncomfortable and awkward and the only thing I can think to do is make silly faces because isn’t this really one big joke anyway? Of course, that frame of mind is not very conducive to a nice photo. Which is what I was aiming for.

Last night, as I finally got a chance to look through them, I was fairly pleased with the way they came out.

Except now, unable to get the images I’ve found out of my mind… completely powerless to stop them from playing a painful little slide show in my head… I am aware of every flaw.

I know. I should stop thinking about it. It’s all supposed to be in the past.

But, right now? The betrayal is staring me in the face, making my chest ache, making me wonder if and when it will happen again… and it fucking sucks.

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20 Responses to Salt in my wounds.

  1. Spruce Hill says:

    I don't know what to say, except that you look beautiful. I love these pictures :)

  2. MichelleSG says:

    Alright, I'm with you in the Vin Diesel thing. I'm not even into the big bald man thing but he is just hot and there's no 2 ways about it.Moving on…I don't know what any of these pictures were on the phone, past or present, or what they whole betrayal thing was. What I do know is that it's still there between you causing a problem. You guys need to figure out how to move past it even if it's just you hung up on it. Until you do it's going to hang out in your life like a big fat white elephant pooing on your relationship. Was that a vivid enough visual for ya? Good luck with that.

  3. rory says:

    Whoa.That sounds like a 600 pound whale in your bathtub. Gotta move it along or learn to swim with it, I'm thinkin'Jeez, good luck. I was hopin' that stuff was behind you.

  4. Marchelle says:

    OUCH. My chest was getting heavy as I read and I was all “ooooh noooo”… Similar situation with me and a now ex-boyfriend [but that's not the point] and honestly, if you want to move past it, you will. I wanted to, and I did. I am one to forgive, though not easily, and NOT forget. Which totally contradicts itself but whatever. I'm weird like that. Anyway, I eventually DID put it behind me and we had several great years. And um, Tim McGraw – check. Vin Diesel – check. Dane Cook – OMG CHECK. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE having my picture taken. ICK. But you are rockin' that camera! HOTNESS!

  5. Gayle says:

    I do not easily forgive and forget, so I don't have any good advice for you.Did you know that when you got your secret shot of Tito you were kinnearing? The Yarn Harlot invented the word. Here's something she wrote about it:, you are so cute! Your sis isn't the only one in your family that looks like a model!

  6. Stephanie says:

    Spruce Hill, thank you!Michelle, Vin Diesel is very hot indeed. I think it's the voice. God, I could just listen to him talk for hours. (Cough.) Where was I? Oh, yes… you're absolutely right about the white elephant. I know this. But it was a surprising slap in the face. rory, 600 pound whales… elephants… and they're both shitting all over the place. Sigh. Marchelle, I am very much the same. I can forgive, but it's hard for me to forget. I find myself just waiting for it to happen again, looking for clues, etc… It's rough. I need to find away to get past it. Oh, and thank you for the compliment! 😉Gayle, thank you! I think J is so much cuter, though!

  7. Forgetting is tough but hopefully the wounds will be a bit less salty soon? Sucks. Sorry…And you- soooooooo pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep! The third one is beautiful.

  8. TheresaG says:

    Hi Stephanie! You look beautiful- the photos are great. (I also feel weird having my picture taken) I hope you get some sort of really big awesome reward for all the strife you're putting up with now.

  9. Violet says:

    Sure, the betrayal is clog dancing all over your heart…which is still very tender and raw from the recent unpleasantness. I don't think it's about forgiving and forgetting, I think it's just about being reminded about a past hurt. I still can't think about the time when The Ex and I broke up (while we were dating) without feeling queasy and icky. That was almost 20 years ago and a lot of worse water has passed under that bridge. Emotional memories, I guess. I vote for pic #3 – I like how your eyes look softer in that one.

  10. aliasmother says:

    *sigh* I am a forgiver but a lousy, lousy forgetter. I had the same experience this week, when a permitted use of the AF's side of the computer revealed…well…nothing scandalous or truly awful, but just a bit disappointing. So now what? Let the elephant squat or kick it out? I got no answers.And you are totally on your own with Dane Cook. He's every annoying frat boy I've ever seen and I really don't get the appeal. Now, Edward Norton…now we're talking.And I agree that photo #3 is lovely. Even though I've now just discovered that you are 12. Why didn't you tell us you were 12?

  11. I love the photos. #3 is my favorite. Sweet but telling that there's alot going on behind those brown doe eyes.I don't know who Tito Ortiz is…..that just makes me old, I guess.

  12. Stephanie says:

    Wow, you guys sure know how to lift a girl's spirits. I suppose, if and when I ever decide he deserves my picture sitting on his desk, I'll have to go with number three since that seems to be the favorite. cog, that was very eloquent, thank you. 😉TeresaG, I totally deserve something, don't I? Maybe this is my chance to finally get the iTouch I've been drooling over. Violet, you never quite forget how it feels, do you? Sure, the memories start to dull a little bit around the edges, but it still smarts even years later. Sigh. Alias Mother, Edward Norton? Okay, I'll admit he was no less than gorgeous in American History X… but everywhere else, he just seems so… small.By the way, I am certainly not twelve or anywhere even close to it. You just can't see the vicious wrinkles that are clearing a path of destruction across my face, starting at my left eye. Hat Chick, it's okay. You're not old. I wouldn't know who he was if I weren't surrounded by so many testosterone-filled men who have a passion for UFC. That and he was on last season's Celebrity Apprentice. And he's married to Jenna Jameson, the #1 downloaded porn star ever. Okay, that's probably more than you cared to know…

  13. Teeter says:

    God, I love these pictures of you. Can you frame one for me and send it to me?I know you aren't happy with any of them, but think about me, not you. 🙂

  14. It is nice to put this blog to a face! You are lovely hun! Such pretty eyes and skin! Lucky you! I hope things will be better for you soon. I've felt that pain and it totally sucks. By your writing I can tell you are a smart gal and strong. Good for you! I love reading your blog!

  15. aliasmother says:

    Go watch the Illusionist. Then watch the Painted Veil. Then get back to me about Edward Norton.

  16. I just found your website through Spruce Hill and spent a huge chunk of time reading through the archives to understand this post.Now I'm speechless. I just, I have no words. So instead, here's a big geeky Internet *hug* and, okay, here's another one *hug* for good measure.

  17. amhealy says:

    As an unbiased person, I think your pictures are simply marvelous, in spite of the background story. 🙂

  18. Bella Swan eat your heart out!You should replace her on all the twilight movie posters. You have the same fresh, natural look that's simply gorgeous. Flaws!!?? Gal, you are a natural beauty.My personal favorite is picture number one. It shows a gutsy, ballsy young woman. Sweet is good too, but in this case I would go with ballsy.

  19. Stephanie says:

    Teeter, you're bias. DVM's Wife, thank you! It's not easy posting photos of yourself (shudder), but I figure what the hell? I share everything else with you guys. Thank you for the lovely comments.Alias Mother, Illusionist… Painted Veil… you got it. But isn't he only 5'6″ or something?Sarah, thank you! Hugs, geeky or not, are always appreciated! amhealy… Unbiased? Ha! (Nice try, Mom.)Dutch Donut Girl, Wow! You sure know how to compliment a person. You are using my weakness for Twilight against me, aren't you? I like it. (And I'll take “ballsy” any day.)

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