In which I use the F word a lot and I’m not sorry.

It turns out the positive effects of my tearful purge didn’t last as long as I’d hoped. Tears are threatening again and I’m desperate to talk to anyone who will listen just so I can clear my head of all the thoughts I can’t shut the fuck up.

But trying to actually say the wordsout loud… is like trying to force myself to vomit. Difficult, unpleasant and I don’t fucking want to.

I desperately want to see my husband. But not to talk. I just want to look at him… and tell him I need a fucking hug.

And then I’d like to knock him the fuck out for putting me through this.

Walking through the hallway a few minutes ago, I passed a mutual acquaintance of ours. Unfortunately, there are several of these. The Husband and I have worked for the same company for many years and know too many of the same people. Having to respond to the polite inquiry of how he’s doing was like a paper cut. Except, in this case, it was like a million fucking paper cuts.

At first, nothing. Totally normal. “Good,” I said, because what was I going to say? I have no idea, but I hope he’s as fucking miserable as I am? I’m not positive, but I don’t think that would’ve gone over too well.

So, I smiled and I said the right thing and to the outside world everything appears as it should. Then the sting came. As I walked away, all I could think was that I have no idea how he’s doing. I haven’t talked to my husband in four days. By now he may have already made the decision that I’m not what he wants and he’s trying to think of a way to let me down easy. I don’t know. And that’s the worst fucking thing ever. Not knowing.

Last night, in the middle of a prayer (yes, I pray), in the middle of telling God it was in his hands and I trust his decision, whatever that might be… I began to beg. I didn’t want to. Begging God for anything always gets my hopes up because I start to think he might actually give me what I want. But I couldn’t stop myself. There. I said it.

As I approach this weekend and the end of his “week to figure things out,” I know I’m not prepared for either decision. I’ll be shocked if he says he wants to stay and I’ll be devastated if he says he doesn’t.

But at least I’ll finally know.

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10 Responses to In which I use the F word a lot and I’m not sorry.

  1. amhealy says:

    If you need to bore someone, you know where to find me. 😉

  2. Alias Mother says:

    I kind of want to knock him out for putting you through this. As a complete stranger who is completely biased in you favor: I think he's treating you unfairly.If I could encourage you to do one thing (besides cry, because crying is good. As is wine. And walks in the sunshine. And hugs from friends. And I think I've lost my point. No, wait, found it), it would be to use this time to figure out what YOU want as well. Empower yourself. It won't make it hurt less. It won't make you feel better. But it will help you bear which ever shock comes your way.Peace, baby. Peace.

  3. ‘I’m not sure I want to be with you anymore’ are probably the most hurtful words of all to hear. It can mean many things, but hearing them can just rip your heart out, because a nasty little voice inside your head is screaming that the person is taking back his love. All I can say is, forget the nasty voice and concentrate on you and your future.I really hope you find some peace soon, whichever way it turns out.P.S. there are times when the “F” word just makes sense

  4. TheresaG says:

    hi Stephanie-I couldn't stop thinking about you and brought your post up at dinner last night. My husband read your blog this morning and this is what he emailed me:it seems to me that her husband is making a mistake…. she is clearly a thoughtful, imaginative and expressive person, and I have a hard time seeing how anyone could lose interest in that.I thought maybe you might need to hear something positive about you right now. I think you're so talented, and I know I'm not alone. Alias mother is right about the crying and wine and hugs and a also I think about figuring out what you want.Hang in there!

  5. Teeter says:

    I know I already told you this but, If you need to run away and hide for a day or two or three or more, you know where I am. We could run away and try and play.

  6. I am terrible at commenting, but I'm making an extra special effort to come by and offer my (mostly) silent support, and to let you know that I'm thinking of YOU. ❤

  7. Violet says:

    I admire your eloquence in expressing what you are feeling. When I try to write my pain, it usually comes out something like this: “Woe is me. My heart is bleeding…GAHHHHH.” Your posts are obviously much more interesting and insightful. I made a batch of those cookie-brownies in your honor yesterday. I've eaten one every hour, on the hour, just for you. It's a sacrifice I am willing to make. I just hate that this is happening to one of my best girl crushes!

  8. Hey bloggie friend, Nikon lover, chocolate and wine addict twin, I'm here reading all of this and so feel your pain. It is good to write out your thoughts for yourself and to complete strangers. I wish I could tell you what to do or say or how to feel, but no one knows except you as lame as that sounds. I hope “the husband” figures out what is wrong with himself and explains himself to you soon. It is hard to take when one wants to leave while the other has no idea what the reasons are for going away. That hurts the most. So many questions of why? What did I do? Did I see this coming? Be strong and you are, as crappy as you feel. Go hug your kitty cats, burrow in their fur. Thanks for still blogging and telling us what you are doing.

  9. rory says:

    That was one of the most moving things I've ever read.For what it's worth, heres a hug from a complete stranger a million miles away.Take heart.

  10. Gayle says:

    I'm not good with coming up with the right words, but I want you to know that I've been thinking of you and I'm sending hugs your way. I do think that “figuring it out” for a week stinks. It's not fair to you. Take care of yourself, Stephanie. You are worth it.

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